We have all been there. I was there recently. “Strip down to your skivvies and put this on.” Sound familiar? Of course, we are talking about the hospital gown, a garment that needs some serious updating. Inspired by the toga, it was worn by Etruscans, ancient Romans and occupants of “Animal House.” The “one size fits none” concept provides haberdasheries with the benefit of a limited inventory. The design plateaued circa 1760 AD and has not changed appreciably since, but occupies a persistent niche in the world of high couture in Key West, FL and Provincetown, MA, where it is considered party wear.
In the tiny cubicle with a gurney and a flimsy curtain to protect my privacy, I listened to conversations between fellow victims and hospital staff while I struggled with the daunting task of dressing. Unless you are domestically gifted and regularly don an apron around the house, the garment does not cooperate in a way that renders confidence and reassurance. I am here because I am sick, not to show off my knot-tying-behind-my-back prowess, I thought to myself in frustration. Next, which ones of the strings to engage? The pair south of the neck hairline or the ones down by the meatier parts? Both? Having a nurse help me complete the procedure would mean defeat, so I continued to fumble until I had done what I thought was expected.
What we need is PEP (Patient Empowerment Program) in the Health Care bill. Give us some control. We are in a vulnerable position as it is. Let us start with colors. Replace the drab bleached white with blue for boys, pink for girls, and plaid for golfers. At about $7.50 per gown, it is a no-brainer. Why not include a higher cost option with designer gowns from Gucci and St. Laurent for celebrity patients? Personalized embroidered names could be included for a few dollars with computerized sewing machines. Put a little imagination into the neck styling. Turtleneck or halter top may be too radical, but we would like to choose between V-neck, scoop, or square neck as an alternative to the T-shirt model. And finally, scrap the ties and go Velcro! Even Nike has seen the reasonableness of this.
So, write to your representatives and demand PEP in the Health Care legislation and make us all feel better!
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